Category Archives: About Me

Why learning is important to me and how it’s impacted my life? – The Short Version….

I have decided to answer this question;

Why is learning important to you and how has it impacted your life?

 

  • In my second Primary School I met my best friend.
  • In Secondary School I went skiing in France, visited Italy and had an audience with the Pope (and thousands of others), visited New York, Philadelphia and Washington D.C as well as other trips around the UK.
  • In college I adjusted my hours to work and live with my first true love.
  • During University I joined the cheerleading squad, had a miscarriage and learnt to juggle 3 jobs as well as a Full Time Course, before leaving University, with nothing but the experience, 20 University credits and a diagnosis of Meares Irlen Syndrome and Dyspraxia.
  • During my time at my distance learning University I had difficulties with my physical and mental health, finding an online support system in a group format and finding life long friends (even though we have never met!).

Learning is my past, my present and my future.

The points above show some of the life challenges that have accompanied my learning. Without these events occurring hand in hand with learning my life would be very different. I have always been aware of those in the world that have to fight for education, those that are killed because of their fight and those that never experience education. For me, education is a privilege and to be in a country where I am given a free education (well until University anyway!!) is an amazing thing.

Learning has saved me in so many ways, I expressed my eating disorder through my art and escaped to the world of Hogwarts thanks to J.K Rowling. It is important to me to be a good example to my siblings and younger people around me, nobody in my family has been to University and whilst I am definitely taking the long way around gaining a degree, I have been rescued so many times thanks to learning and education. Education has at times been my mother, father, sibling, friend and comforting stranger when nobody else has been around.

At age 17 I started my University applications for Midwifery and Nursing and year after year was unsuccessful, I tried my hand at other things and had to move around a lot to find the work – I was chasing work to build my experience, to better myself for University and I am getting closer to my ultimate dream. There will be struggles and there will be (more) tears but I will do it!!

This Girl Can!!

cropped-healthwise-wales-promo-picture

 

I am a big believer that we all deserve an education and the right to knowledge and development during our lives, that learning doesn’t have to be University, learning is unique to each of us. Not all of us get the chance, so I grab it with both hands and love the experience. It also keeps me up to date and my brain ticking!! Learning is important to me as it helps me realise what I have overcome and allows me to believe in myself.

Learning has saved me.

Why is learning important to you?

https://www.activia.co.uk/scholarship-uk

Trying to remember the ‘old me’

If you haven’t seen the featured image on this post then here it is again;

317260_10150288925371705_2419637_n

This was me in 2011 the night before I flew away to Norway for 6 months of volunteering, an impulsive but life-changing decision that I would definitely do again.

By this point in my life ( 20 Years Old!!) I had experienced my fair share of death and loss, anorexia, bulimia, self harm and abuse. Most recently I had experienced heartbreak and had moved back to the family home. I was getting by (luckily) by not having to pay rent and working a caring job and bar work and Christmas jobs at Marks and Spencer!!

Fast forward to me now and things are very different, but I do miss the ‘old me’ – I was sat thinking about this the other night and then it dawned on me that I could not really remember the old me.

The old me;

  • Happily worked at least 2/3 jobs as well as study.
  • Only experienced pain when I injured myself.
  • Was a little anxious but got on with things.
  • Could cope with 2 hours sleep and get up and head out for the day.
  • Exercised several times a week.
  • Had people around me.
  • Was motivated and enthusiastic about my future. ( The inability to get into Nursing or Midwifery at Uni started this downhill spiral).
  • Could get by day-to-day without anxiety, depression, illness, pain or life getting in the way.
  • Was happy (ish)

Don’t get me wrong there are positives in life now, but the fact that I looked back to remember the old me and I couldn’t, really hit me. Looking at 2017-Present Day it is difficult to see how a bout of anxiety and depression and other difficulties has made me change so much as a person and made me a shadow of my former self. Factors such as physical illness, workplace bullying, mental health and the realisation of what happened to me as a younger person throughout my life only just becoming a reality and really getting in the way has made me change. I am still unsure whether this change is completely good or not, yes I do get very anxious and depressed, I am in pain a lot of the time and struggle to get to sleep, stay asleep and function normally but I find it so hard to discuss these things as people simply do not understand. You can be the most caring person in the world but unless you have experienced certain things you really cannot understand them. I am tired, it is not tiredness that will be fixed by a decent nights sleep, although that would most likely help it is not going to cure everything. I lie in bed and have to have the tv on in the background because otherwise my mind is at 100000000 miles an hour, it hurts, it is tiring and sometimes scary and upsetting.

I am a shadow of my former self.

I am a working progress.

I do have a plan.

I am working on it.

Just bare with me.

8aeb9e9e9e48f55ca5f3a31c86dd2c92

 

Such great news!!

I am warning you, if you hate people that say they have news but then they don’t reveal it, then this post IS going to annoy you!!

On the 28th of June 2018 I was given some exciting, happy and life changing news and I just want to shout it out from the roof top.

You will come to understand later in the Year why I cannot say anything at the moment but I now know what my life will be like in 5-10 years time!! I have fought and fought so long for this and people will not understand but I live so much of my life caring for others and not doing what I wanted and needed to do but doing things for the wellbeing of others. NOW IS MY TIME!!!!

To be continued….

Screen Shot 2018-07-02 at 18.28.39

Surviving Fathers Day

Surviving Fathers day when you have two dads; one of which has passed away.

Father’s Day is a hard day for me. A few years ago I put a post on Facebook recognising both of my fathers, including the father I lost at a young age. A few hours later I remember having my mother screaming down the phone and sending harassing messages because I had upset my dad and always upset him if I mentioned my biological father. I rang my dad that night to ask if he was ok and if I had upset him to which he stated he didn’t know what I was talking about and I hadn’t upset him.

I am lucky that I have a father that acknowledges I have a biological father and understands that his loss hurts me.

Anyway, ever since I have always acknowledged both my fathers and I do not care what anybody thinks, because it is my life, my fathers and quite frankly my decision to do whatever I want and post whatever I want.

I went two nights with no sleep and I went out from about 07:45- 15:00 then picked up the wife to pop to the shop, when I got back I was physically exhausted so my way of facing father’s day was to sleep for 21 hours!! You can call me lazy if you want but my body obviously needed it.

e32cd95157b907afc4716b805f47101d--miss-you-daddy-dad-quotes-from-daughter-daddys-girl

 

June 1st Milestones

Well Hello June!!

After midnight which now makes it June 1st my site hit some milestones;

  • 100 Posts – Which will increase over the next few days as my backlog of May Mental Health awareness letters will be uploaded.
  • 1,000 Hits.

I cannot believe that many people actually read about my life and my goals of tackling mental health. I hope I have helped some people along the way.

Thank You xxxx

The memory of a child and how it had an impact on my life.

I remember a lot from when I was younger, but there are two distinct memories that are embedded in my mind, I did not know it at the time, but these memories played a part in mapping out my future.

The first memory involves me being in a car, I was being told if I cried and said I did not want to go and see my dad just say so and I could go to McDonalds. I was young and did not understand what was going on- I thought my father was mean and that I shouldn’t go near him. I liked McDonalds, so I cried….

I do not remember if a mobile phone was involved or if I was taken into a building or left in the car, that part is a blank. I remember if I cried I got McDonalds.

The second memory I am a bit older and I remember being told I could not go to my father’s funeral because of a few reasons, one being “there will be too many men there” so I did not go to my father’s funeral. At that point in life I didn’t really know about cremation, I presumed everyone was buried-I had only been to one funeral before, my Grandads’ and he was buried. I presumed that if I had no choice over going to the funeral it would be ok because there would be a grave I could go to. It turns out this was not the case either as my father was cremated and his ashes scattered.

I have been told that I am a liar and these memories are imaginary because they did not happen, but I remember them clearly, I can see them if I close my eyes. I may forget what I went upstairs for but these two memories I remember clearly.

What I did not know was that me being in the car that day, was because I was due to see someone (I don’t know if it was a judge or social services) however I know that this one decision had an impact on who ‘won’ custody of me. Of course I had a lot of good things happen to me growing up, I have four younger siblings that I love, but if I could go back to this day I would not have cried for that McDonalds and I would have gone to my Dads’ funeral. Judge me if you want but I was young and knowing what I know now, my father was not “dirty”, “bad” or “nasty” – he was my dad and he loved me.

The same goes for the second memory, apparently it did not happen and I was given a choice, but if that as the case I would never have missed my father’s funeral. These days I get very emotional surrounding death that I believe comes from having a lack of control at a young age when I lost a parent. Yes, I did not see him for about 8 years until he was in hospice care and yes, the parent I lived with got remarried and I have an amazing step Dad, but I still had another father. I have two dads (not in the sense of same sex parents) but my biological dad and my step dad (although I do not like the phrase step dad, he is my dad too).

As a child/young person, we aren’t always given freedom or choice, perhaps it is for protection or to maintain our innocence, but I draw the line on decisions being made for a child on the opinions of the decision maker-they should be made for the best of the child.

My bereavement for the loss of my father has only just begun recently and it has been 15 years. I never grieved, I didn’t want to, I was scared and did not want to show emotion in front of a certain person.

I have not forgiven myself for not standing up for myself, for not giving evidence in a custody battle, or going to that funeral and I don’t think I ever will. My life would have been so different if I stood up for myself.

Doing some research and BAM there is my face….

I was doing some research for you lovely people and went to the Mind webpage then all of a sudden I see my face on the home page;

I knew my story would go live but I did not expect to see my face at 01:00AM when scrolling through the internet.

I feel honoured that I can share my experiences online and especially through Mind as they have helped me so much.

you can read my story by clicking the links below- my story is available in both English and Welsh.

English;

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/your-stories/the-stresses-of-everyday-life/#.WvoiGNMvyPQ 

Welsh;

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/your-stories/straen-bywyd-bob-dydd/#.WvoiGdMvyPQ

❤ Stay Strong ❤

 

I am only 27….

I am only 27 years old (or young!) and I have lived through

  • Emotional Abuse and Bullying

  • Physical Abuse and Bullying

  • Self Harm

  • Anorexia

  • Bulimia

  • Binge Eating Disorders

  • Suicidal Thoughts

  • Loss of a Parent

  • Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

  • Anxiety

  • Depression

And you know what? I am still here!! Mental Illness is a difficult, harsh and life changing problem.

But

You can do it!! We are here for each other, if you are having a bad time, speak to someone – You can do it!!

The Versatile Blogger Award

I have been quiet the past few days-I have reverted back to my very much hated nocturnal state. But I am back!!

 

nervous friends GIF

I Hate you nocturnal brain!!

Firstly I would like to thank ‘Babbling Mummy’ for nominating me for The Versatile Bloggers Award!! For those of you that do not know about the award; you get nominated by other bloggers for your blog. Once nominated, you thank them as I have just done (although that is the kind thing to do isn’t it?) and write a short post with some facts about yourself, before nominating other bloggers for the award.

8 Facts about Myself

  1. I really hate certain noises. Also known as Misophonia (although I am not officially diagnosed-one thing at a time!) But do not come near me and crack bones, grind teeth or chew loudly with your mouth open because it makes me feel physically sick.
  2. I Love learning new languages. I speak 2 fluent languages, 1 at an intermediate level and 4 languages I learned when younger and was either fluent or nearly fluent in. I wish I knew so many more languages.
  3. I despise odd Numbers. Really, actually hate them – when I had an eating disorder I couldn’t eat rice without counting the grains.
  4. I was raised as the oldest child, but I actually have an older brother. Plus 3 older half-siblings.
  5. I can easily rewatch the same programme/movie again and again. I don’t think my wife really gets it!! I will happily watch Grey’s Anatomy, The Big Bang Theory, Harry Potter Movies and Friends back to back!!
  6. My dream job would involve mental health, animals and work to my own schedule-ideally from home.
  7. I love watching scary films but equally hate watching them – I am too jumpy and paranoid about reliving the films so I avoid them. Especially when they involve jumpy moments when there’s nothing and then suddenly a scary child screaming at you.  Or the one moment in Harry Potter that scares the daylight out of me – when Harry and Hermione visit Godric’s Hollow and that stupid snake jumps up at the camera!!
  8. I have a massive bucket list (I am planning a post for this in the future) but my top 5 completed bucket list tasks are:
  • Get my wood beads.
  • Achieve my Explorer Belt.
  • Achieve my Gold Duke of Edinburgh Award.
  • Visit Buckingham Palace. (I was awarded my DofE in the Gardens)
  • Live abroad for 6 months to volunteer.

 

My nominations

Here are my nominations for bloggers that I have discovered that I love to follow and I think they deserve some recognition for their work and writing.

 

One of the worst questions you can ask me….

Well there are several ways to word this question but the basic question that is really one of the worst you can ask me is;

“What has caused your anxiety/depression?”

At this point my head is saying

While there are several incidents, issues, triggers and events that have led to my current situation, the simple answer is ‘I DO NOT KNOW!!’

Quite frankly if I understood it myself I would have a better handle on my situation.

I am studying Mental Health and aim to have a career in the field, but even with my years of studying, assignments and exams – you can know about all the theorists, professors and professionals along with all the knowledge, practices and policies, but that does not mean you know everything. I still do not understand me.

It really distresses me and upsets me when people start to question me, I get embarrassed because I like having knowledge and when I cannot explain or justify myself it is embarrassing. Especially if there is a person looking at you or smirking, it is intimidating!!

sarcastic season 3 GIF by Ash vs Evil Dead

I am slowly losing the little level of trust I had in people. The way things are said, words being twisted and me being at fault.

I am struggling, not stupid!!

Maybe this journey is something I need to go through, I can already see it leading me towards certain goals. Maybe everything does happen for a reason. Only time will tell.