One step closer to finding me again.

Please note that any advice I give and explaining of processes may differ for you. I am not a legal professional and this advice relates to my situation. Please get legal advice if you need further support.

February 12th, 2021.

Having been made aware that the acknowledgement of the Divorce petition had finally been sent in, naturally I have been checking the online system daily for an update. I wasn’t expecting a quick update as it had been sent in via post, rather than submitted online. However;

After 58 days there is a response.

Things feel a bit more real now.

I was hoping this bit would have happened before Christmas. When that didn’t happen, the next date I was hoping for was by my Birthday on the 4th of February, however it didn’t happen by then either. Compared to some people I count myself lucky, many people are forced to wait not days or weeks, but months and even years to get to this stage.

I am not out to gain everything and take everything as some have been told. I want all this to be done as fairly as possible and as quickly as possible. For one simple reason. To move on.

Whilst I was not (as the phrase says) “beaten black and blue.” I have gone through an emotional hell for some time. I told a friend today I felt guilty because my pain wasn’t visible. But she explained that emotional abuse is still abuse and can be just as damaging to the mind. Part of me still feels guilt as there are others worse off than me, including people still stuck in a place they cannot leave, whilst I am more free than they am (despite still being trapped in other ways).

I have been warned that it can be harder to leave and divorce, than to be married. So I have been bearing that in mind, so far the advice has been pretty relevant. Although I do still note I am luckier than many others, but things haven’t moved very smoothly so far.

One thing I have experienced-Which I am sharing to raise some awareness to those going through a similar situation and one thing I also warn you of.

Prepare for the telling of lies so YOU look like the bad one. (No matter how nice they seem).

Also be prepared for people to come forward with behaviours, things said or seen. Don’t be angry at them, they had their reasons for not coming forward. Usually it is because they were made to believe you were the problem.

This week I came to our jointly owned home. To sort through things, work and cat sit. I would like to point out that this week, my wife was not at the property, so I felt safer. Part of me was anxious and scared that she could come back any time, however due to other events, I was reassured that this was unlikely to happen. I planned to sort out so much more than I have, however when looking at the piles of boxes and thinking, I had to go through every single item in every single box, as they had just been put in my room without being gone through. So even though only two bedrooms are done (apart from one bedside table unit) it was actually more work than it looks. Although this does mean I will have to sort other times to come and sort things. Whilst also finding cheap van rentals and storage- I can keep some items and boxes where I am, certain larger items such as my piano needs storage.

Now for the next stage….Getting a Decree Nisi.

The next stage to divorce is applying for a Decree Nisi. Still meaning I am married, but once this is issued the 6 week and 1 day countdown to applying for the final Decree Absolute can start-which means we would then be divorced. Whilst applying for the Decree Nisi it needs to be decided whether a hearing needs to be done in court. I have been told, as well as reading online that in the UK the majority of cases don’t need a hearing, but I will just have to wait and see. The date that the 6 weeks and 1 day until a Decree Absolute can be applied for will be on the Decree Nisi documentation.

During tough relationships you need to make sure you are safe. Despite what may be said, by leaving an abusive relationship (emotional or physical abuse) you should not lose the right to your home. The home can be looked at by legal professionals, it matters that you are safe.

As previously explained, the reason I am sharing my experiences is to raise awareness, offer advice and a real life account of divorce and things that come along during a divorce. The purpose of my accounts are not to lie, share false information or make me look like a good person as there are two people in a marriage. I am being honest. Writing also helps me feel like I can support others that may see this and be in a similar situation, as well as help me process things in my own way.

How so much can change in a year!!

Do you remember what you were doing one year ago?

I was sat in my home, practising my Safe Medicate (Maths for my Nursing Degree), unaware that the year ahead was about to change so much – and not just because of the Coronavirus!!

Other than the issues that came along with the Coronavirus, the last 12 months for me have resulted in me filing for divorce from my Wife.

  • Am I upset?……….Deeply
  • Am I hurt?……….Very
  • Am I showing it?……….No
  • Is there a reason for that?……….Yes

The reason for me not showing my sadness and hurt is simple. I was expecting it. I knew things were tough and I knew, despite thinking things would change, they never did and never would-not in the way that results in a happy marriage anyway. What I did not expect was the lies, sneaking around, cheating and gaslighting that came along with the ongoing problems.

This image was taken around a year ago, at my 29th Birthday Meal. It may have a filter applied to it, but I am smiling, I look happy and during that meal, I was happy. However, behind the smile, behind the shining blue eyes lay a secret. I wanted to be dead, I wanted to hurt myself, I wanted to grab my dogs and go somewhere we could never be found. My antidepressants were, and still are, at a high dose. My anxiety sky high and self esteem pretty much non-existent. I hate speaking to people, going out and have more bad days than good. I doubt everything I say, I do. The clothes I wear and decisions I make. My pain and fatigue flares (which led to a diagnosis of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) where pretty much never ending. I have been programmed to think everything I say and do is wrong. My gut instinct, that proved to be correct, was and often still is even doubted.

I will never doubt my gut again!!

I am now sitting in my, still legally, jointly owned home, here for the purpose of work, alongside going through the house, sorting out my possessions, packing and working out what needs going through to decide ‘who gets what.’ Within a couple of hours of arriving here, the pain and fatigue flare hit. I am not saying I’ve had no flares since leaving, but my second day here was more or less wasted as I could not move. Proving to myself that extreme levels of stress does result in a flare-also helping to explain many flares that have happened over the last few years. So far in 2021 my flares have been minimal-I put this down to factors such as leaving a toxic environment and relationship. That may sound harsh, but the reality is that it was toxic. No good for either of us, especially myself.

I sit here, mid-afternoon, staring at piles of things that still need going through, a hallway that needs clearing and the box room being the only 100% gone through room (with the exception of a box by the door that just needs moving out, a black bag and 2 bags of recycling I need to put outside. I look at these items thinking that they make up nearly a third of my life, married or seeing one person (we were engaged 2 weeks after starting to see each other and married on our 2 year anniversary). Some items I had before, some gained during this time. Some of my items I will take with me and either keep or destroy, larger items will either stay here and never be seen again by me and others will stay here as long as possible, until I have to put them into storage. That itself will cost me a lot of money, that I will need to find.

I will be losing my home. I pretty much have already. I cannot help but compare myself, many people I went to school with are buying homes, getting married, engaged or having children. I’ve lost my trust, marriage and home- I will be divorced. It definitely is not how I saw myself at 30 when picturing my future as a younger person.

A young me!!

You may ask “Why is she sharing this?” My reasons could be listed below, but I am only going to give one reason here, my main reason, which is to share my experience, well some of it, normalising a less “perfect” portrayal of people online. We only ever seem to see celebrity news or “perfect” lives online and in reality people are going through a tough time. People are being forced to keep quiet or portray themselves as happy or show that nothing is wrong.

I am speaking up for myself. I refuse to hide anymore. I have spent too long being quiet, saying nothing or only saying what I was allowed to say and I have been hiding my true self because I was told “they won’t understand” or “it isn’t worth it” and resulted in people not liking me or seeing me in a different way, criticizing me or even shouting at me and talking badly behind my back to others, all because they are not seeing the real me. So I ask you kindly, if you are reading this and do know me. Maybe now is the time to talk to me, get to know me now, with no other influence on how I act, what I say or do and then form your own judgement. It may take me some time to build myself back up, but I will be ME again.

Domestic Abuse

What is Domestic Abuse?

The World cloud above contains 100 words, phrases, signs of domestic abuse. I could have gone on and on but had to stop somewhere. Abuse takes many forms and it is not always a Man doing it to a Woman!!

According to the ‘Office For National Statistics’ Crime Survey for Wales and England‘ the figures estimated 5.5% of adults aged 16-74 years old experienced domestic abuse in the last year (Year ending March 2020). That works out to be 2.3 million people. 1,288,018 domestic abuse related incidents were Police reported, although Greater Manchester Police are not included in this figure. Although 41% (529,077) of these incidents were not then recorded as a crime, the other 59% (758,941) were recorded as a crime related to domestic-abuse.

BBC News reported an 80% increase in people contacting them during the first 2020 UK Coronavirus Lockdown. Many other social media and News sources have written about the impact of lockdown and Coronavirus on abuse and how it has worsened during these times.

They also provided the below services; (click here to see the publication)

For information and support on domestic abuse, contact:

Police: 999 press 55 when prompted if you can’t speak

Refuge UK-wide 24-hour helpline: 0808 2000 247

Welsh Women’s Aid Live Fear Free 24-hour helpline: 0808 80 10 800

Scotland National Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriages 24-hour helpline: 0800 027 1234

Northern Ireland Domestic Abuse 24-hour helpline: 0808 802 1414

Men’s Advice Line 0808 801 0327

Online webchats and text services are also available.

I aim to raise more awareness and write more about this when I feel the time is right for me, but please get some support if you are experiencing abuse or something doesn’t feel right. Please do not go through it alone.

In the UK you are still legally allowed to flee abuse if your area is in lockdown. Women’s aid offer some good resources and things to consider during lockdown and Coronavirus – click here.

You are NOT alone.

September is PCOS Awareness Month!!

© https://www.verity-pcos.org.uk/

PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) is something that cannot be cured, despite some claims, although symptoms can be improved and managed (for some) with medication, exercise and other lifestyle changes. It is a hormonal condition that manifests itself differently in each person. PCOS is very common and impacts how ovaries function.

Symptoms of PCOS can vary from person to person and no two people are often suffering the exact same symptoms. Some symptoms include;

  • Weight gain,
  • Difficulty losing weight,
  • Irregular periods or no periods,
  • Thinning hair,
  • Acne,
  • Excessive hair growth,
  • Fertility issues,
  • Miscarriages,
  • Cysts that burst and cause pain or internal bleeding,
  • Mood changes,
  • Depression,
  • Bloating,

These are just some of the symptoms. Many Healthcare Professionals will suggest weight loss will solve all problems, however for those that suffer with PCOS, we know that this is often very difficult and untrue.

PCOS puts a person at a higher risk of;

  • Type 2 Diabetes,
  • High blood pressure,
  • High cholesterol,
  • (High blood pressure and cholesterol can also lead to strokes or heart disease,)
  • Sleep apnoea,
  • Depression,
  • Endometrial Cancer.

September is PCOS awareness month and social media will see an increase in posts about this life changing syndrome. I will be uploading more posts about how PCOS impacts my life, however this post is a very basic, introduction to PCOS.

Please message me if you have questions and I will do my best to help you.

Is this really happening?

UCAS really do like to keep you waiting. Personally, I think the site may have got sick of me checking the Track system.

I have been away from blogging since last year, so have a lot to catching up to do!!

So when off work last year I decided things needed to change, I only had one year left of my Open University Degree, but wanted to do something that involved more time out of the house (plus I have 16 years to complete my OU Degree). I decided to look at other Universities and rang my local University Nursing Department to enquire about whether they have places in the next cohort and, most importantly, whether they would accept an application this late into the year. Luckily for me they would accept an application. I told them I would have it sent in by the end of the day and they were happy for me to tick the box to not include a reference, but supply details for one. 30 Minutes later an application was sent in. That was the fastest personal statement I had ever written.

I was also very lucky as the next Open Day was within a week and the next interview day was also very soon after. I found out within a couple of weeks that I was successful and given a conditional offer. Conditions were not based on grades but as I had not submitted a reference with the UCAS application, this was needed as well as confirmation of my OU studies and credits achieved. Once submitted, amazingly that August my place was confirmed. Although the September cohort was full, so my place was for March, but I did not care. I was going to be a nurse.

I even got a head sweatband in the post – I have not had the heart to use it yet!!

And that is my short story of getting into Nursing.

Found this on Google

What is going on in the world?

TW (Trigger Warning) Discussions of bullying and suicide.

As I have found myself with a lot of spare time this week I have been trying to keep up to date with the news and one topic seems to be coming up more often than others and it has really hit me….

BULLYING

Seriously, what is wrong with the world? Why must people hurt others so much it makes them want to be dead?

A 14-year-old boy has ended his life in Wales this week due to bullying in School. I’m sure that this is not the only death this week due to bullying, especially in younger people and children.

Other young people are reported to be afraid of returning to school following the Summer Holidays because of bullies. Schools have bullying policies but are young people really being protected.

I was bullied when I was in school, towards the end of Primary School and in Secondary School. It possibly played a part in my anorexia in Secondary School but I sought help for the bullying when things got to a certain stage (most of the time but a lot of incidents went unreported because it was just too much effort to report). It really affected me and quite often the only thing done was a discussion between bully and teacher, sometimes with me present-nothing seems to ever be taken further. Not that I am saying that every time someone is bullied it should go to the police, but when we live in a world that is seeing an increase in Mental Health difficulties and awareness, suicides and the carrying of weapons such as knives and guns, we never know when things will get really serious or how long it will take someone to be tipped over the edge. Some people will brush bullying off their shoulders and their feelings build up over time , but other times that first instance or first severe threat or comment can result in the end of a life.

I will go further into bullying in later posts but there is an increasing level of stories about bullying in schools, homes, streets and workplaces and many of us are suffering and the bullies get away with it. Often bullies get away with their actions because of their status, their family or the fact that they have been in a company for a long time and ” would never do that” – even when other staff have reported it. One situation I have experienced is being treated badly and having a witness to this, but then this person has been spoken to and denied it and they are believed, even though I had a witness to the incident. It is incidents like this that make me not like people (and I like people!) but I have been let down and treated badly so much in life, one thing I hate is if I witness a bully, bad treatment, ‘slagging off’ or gossiping and talking badly about someone, it takes a hell of a lot of persuasion for me to make a good impression in my mind about that person, if you are one of these people I often hold a grudge against the person, you won’t know it, because I remain civil (unlike a lot of people) but secretly I do not trust you and do not like or respect you as a person.

I do not respect bullies. I will be civil and treat you with general respect – because that is the type of person I am. But I will not like you and probably not change my mind.

I am glad that Heads Together have started a campaign regarding workplace bullying.

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https://www.headstogether.org.uk/2018/09/10/the-duke-of-cambridge-launches-mental-health-at-work/

I recommend a visit to this page, and encourage workplaces to use this also as the number of people who have experienced bullying in their current workplace is a huge 48%!! Here is the webpage the page also directs you to;

https://www.mentalhealthatwork.org.uk/

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