“Right from the start you were a thief, you stole my heart”

TRIGGER WARNING – Please take care, some of this content may cause upset and distress. Reach out for support if needed. 💜

“And I your willing victim”

Sound familiar? Yes that is a P!nk song

I had heard of people relating this song, ‘Just give me a reason‘ to a (damaging) relationship. However, I had not really thought about it. If I’m honest I could not really relate, although I love the song!

Looking back now, the song is actually pretty relevant to me. From the start of my last relationship, my heart was stolen by a kind, attentive and charming person. I had been back in the country for just over a year after spending 6 months away volunteering and nearly 2 years post relationship with my first serious boyfriend, who I thought I would marry and spend my life with. Within two weeks of seeing this person, totally infatuated, I accepted a drunken proposal. Despite it being nothing like I imagined-after double checking they remembered actually asking I said yes!!

Two years later we married.

Again, looking back before actually marrying I can see how I was totally attracted and won over by the charm, happy moments and love I felt. Ignoring the red flags and brief explanations for situations. Hiding myself and not telling my future in laws about our engagement, even going as far as her renting another room in the house (only used for storage) “just in case” anybody asked or visited. Because they “could not know.” By the time they knew we had moved to Wales and my ex had said she had cut out her family. I was the bad person who took her away from her family. Which was far from the truth. I wish I questioned this more at the time. Another red flag missed.

During the engaged-married phase we had good times, with very few disagreements. I shared stories, history and wounds. I felt happy and comfortable. I let someone gain my trust.

I identify with these words more so with the later experiences in the relationship, but definitely at least 2.5 years of the relationship. Feelings, events, emotions and even generalised facts that turned out to be true came out during sleep. Inconsistencies appeared, but I was persuaded that anything said during sleep was “not real” or “related to previous trauma” which I was told had “nothing to do” with myself. Everything had an explanation or excuse. For some reason, I just accepted these.

A barrier began to raise. Chemistry began to reduce, feelings changing. Nothing like the early stages of the relationship. Another major Red Flag missed.

Again, looking back, I was hooked. Love made me stay. It made me ignore anything that upset me, confused me or hurt me.

Like a circle, patterns and behaviours went round and round. Pain was fixed by promises and persuasion, kinder words, acts or gestures seemed to put a plaster over the issue. Things would plateau, before beginning the cycle again.

I was hooked.

Life revolved around happiness, experiences, sex and pleasure as well as a connection. Before switching back to negativity, tension and silent treatment. Where again, one small gesture or kind word seemed to fix things. Or so I thought.

Things on several occasions got to the point where I would sit there and think of reasons to stay. Reasons to fight. Reasons to change.

And then there is gaslighting

A person I loved. A person I trusted using my own trauma, my own insecurities and my own weaknesses to their advantage. Unknowingly being insulted and manipulated into thinking my feelings did not matter, that my concerns and genuine gut feelings were wrong. Even when having justification and evidence.

I was made to feel crazy and paranoid.

At the time I thought the stresses of life, bills, work and ill health were causing tension. Things felt empty. But yet I still was being made to believe my actions led to the situation. They obviously did not help and contributed but was definitely not the major issue. I wanted to fight, blinded by love. I thought we would be together forever. Despite looking at other couples and longing for their connection with my own wife.

Fast forward and behaviours continued, false promises made – resulting in “I don’t love you anymore.” Of course I came back within 24 hours – with the hope of change, false promises and a “mistake” being made. Yet things continued and the truth came out. There was someone else who had all the love that I was no longer being given.

Walking away was hard. But it had to be done. My wife at the time was in love with someone else, portraying me to others as someone I wasn’t.

It is amazing what information people come to you with, once a relationship is over. Finding out about things that have been said and done. Money saved away and plans to move others into my home. Expecting me to leave with nothing.

I wish I noticed the Red Flags sooner. I really do. Part of me also wishes I left sooner, before the added issue of her falling completely head over heels in love with someone else – like we did with each other years ago. If I had walked away sooner, perhaps the emotional damage would have been less?

These are just some of the reasons I find myself relating to this song more now, than following the release. I may be losing a marriage, my home and the life I knew. But I no longer have to;

  • Lie,
  • Withhold information,
  • Follow others rules in my own home,
  • Be silent,
  • Push myself when in a flare,
  • Ask permission to do certain things,
  • Play happy families,
  • Hide my chronic illnesses,
  • Sit silently while others call me the “friend” or the “partner” and allow people to not call me by my correct name or write the wrong name on cards without letting them know it is not correct,
  • Be manipulated, treated like rubbish and told I am imagining things, being crazy or paranoid.

I can start trying to be me again. Find myself and heal. I can find someone who does love me for me and protect me, rather than damage me.

I hope.

Mental Health Awareness Letters – 31st May 2018

As May is Mental Health Awareness Month, I had an idea to write a letter each day to a person, or group of people that have had an impact on my own personal health. The first portion of the month has been delayed, however I hope that I will catch up and there will be a daily post. Thank You for taking the time to read these and I appreciate any comments or support you can provide on each post.

Please remember that if you are struggling with your health, both physical or mental, there may be some triggers in these letters-please seek support if you find these letters trigger any distress. Look after yourself!!

Letter 31 – The Final Note

I finally beat the writer’s block and finished the task I set myself for this month, this post is being updated late but during this month of letter writing I have had several likes, comments and new followers and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

I planned to write a really long and well-written post for my last post but I am keeping it short and sweet.

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Please remember to check out the Get help and support page for links to services that can help ( please let me know if there are services I can add to the page as it is under construction).

Mental Health Awareness Letters – 23rd May 2018

As May is Mental Health Awareness Month, I had an idea to write a letter each day to a person, or group of people that have had an impact on my own personal health. The first portion of the month has been delayed, however I hope that I will catch up and there will be a daily post. Thank You for taking the time to read these and I appreciate any comments or support you can provide on each post.

Please remember that if you are struggling with your health, both physical or mental, there may be some triggers in these letters-please seek support if you find these letters trigger any distress. Look after yourself!!

Letter 23 – To my Family,

Family means a lot to me, I think it is down to losing so many people and having control taken away from me for so many years of my life.

But everybody moves on, I use to be the one who would drive for miles to visit people, but I have got to the point where I don’t want to be the one that always drives, always goes out of my way and fills the tank up to visit people that wouldn’t do the same for me. Since buying our house in January I have had 3 visits from people, 2 of those visits where from my brother. I appreciate people are busy but when you pass the house or go to an event by my home and then say it is too far it really does upset me. What also hurts is the ignoring and not publicising the fact that your near, but guess what?? I always find out!!

I am sorry if this upsets you, but I do not see anyone anymore, some days I look at how much fun my family are having without me I wish I was not here, this is the truth. In all honesty I often find myself (especially lately) thinking it would not matter to a single one of you if I was not here.

But of course you don’t care, after all it is only me!! But I bet if something did happen to me you would all be crying at my funeral – and for what??

Mental Health Awareness Letters – 1st May 2018

As May is Mental Health Awareness Month, I had an idea to write a letter each day to a person, or group of people that have had an impact on my own personal health. The first portion of the month has been delayed, however I hope that I will catch up and there will be a daily post. Thank You for taking the time to read these and I appreciate any comments or support you can provide on each post.

Please remember that if you are struggling with your health, both physical or mental, there may be some triggers in these letters-please seek support if you find these letters trigger any distress. Look after yourself!!

Letter 1 – To the family members that decide to block me on social media and ignore my friend requests.

They say if people ‘unfriend’ you on social media or online groups then to let it go and move on. That is easier said than done if you want nothing more than a family around you. There are certain family members that I do not really know but have met in the past and genuinely like. Yet you unfriend, ignore and block me-well I have one thing to say to you – GO F*CK YOURSELF!!
Just because you may have your family, your friends, children, pets and marriages you don’t need me anymore. I have “Family” that have invited me to events, reunions, weddings, funerals, gatherings, “piss ups” or other get-togethers, but they have also failed to invite me when you have invited the rest of the family. This is fair enough as you may not want me there- I may have forgotten to invite you to events but if I have then I am sorry and may have genuinely forgot because of ‘brain fog’. Also, do not bother saying you forgot or thought I was busy yet say something completely different to other family members or mutual friends.
I am sorry but not all of us had the perfect upbringing and have a loving and ‘together’ family. I went out of my way to help and talk to certain people and you repay me by blocking me on social media, then you unblock me but stop me adding you as a friend or sending messages to check how you are doing.
All I have ever wanted is a loving and caring family, but certain people within the family think they can just ignore me and throw me to the side, I have gone my whole life not knowing my family tree and who I am related to and when I do find out and want nothing more than to get to know my family you take it away and play mind games. It really hurts- this has contributed to my mental health greatly as I have lost the little self-identity I have.
I have lost friends, family and parents, all I want in my life is a bit of identity. I want to go over to join in on the family Sunday Lunches. I want nothing more than to send and receive Easter Cards, Christmas Cards, Anniversary Cards and cards for every other event under the sun. I want family, Love and genuine caring. But you fail to give that. Instead, you make me feel unloved, unwanted and unrelated.
You have made me wish I had never been born.
So go ahead get on with your life, but remember you may be caring to others but to me you have done nothing and made me feel like nothing.
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This is all the family I need!!

 

 

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