My In-Laws Didn’t come to my Wedding

Why?

? ? RED FLAG ? ?

OK, yes maybe I should have seen this sooner, however when you are love bombed, you overlook any strange stories you are told, you also accept excuses no matter how strange they may seen. If someone tells you certain people, such as family or friends are bad for them, or have been abusive, you believe them. Right?

Back in 2014 I married my partner, throughout the process I dropped hints about family and whether she was sure she didn’t want her family there, one day she turned around and told me that if I invited them (without her knowledge) and they turned up at the venue, she would not walk down that aisle, that she would leave and “that would be that. Obviously I did not want that to happen at the time, so I did not get in touch or contact them, after all it was not really my place. As far as I was aware, the day would be ruined with their attendance, them changing things or upsetting us (as well as myself being told on several occasions they disagreed with same sex couples and would not even keep a television show on the TV if there was any talk of anything other than “normal” hetrosexuality).

We married on our 2 year anniversary and had been engaged about 2 weeks short of 2 years, you could say that in itself was another red flag. Did I think it was fast? Yes. But I WAS happy.

Later on, married and plodding along slowly in life, my in laws became involved in our lives again. We were looking at houses to buy and there had been a death in the family. I often sat and quietly thought in my head, things were odd, or that the way people spoke to each other or treated each other did not match how I was told to expect or thought I would expect. It was every now and then I thought to myself; “Did I imagine she told me all those awful things?” and the simple answer to this was no – I did not imagine the things I was told. It is a shame that whilst I saw the Mask my ‘Wife’ wore in front of others, I failed to see that another mask was being worn for me. Neither of these masks portrayed the true person I thought I knew. The person I married. Once that mask came down, it revealed a person I do not know.

Once my in laws were in my life more than before, small things such as becoming friends on social media with some of the family happenned, for the two of us (if they were friends before then my privacy settings had to be changed), there was also many things I could not put on there or was told I should not put up, because they would see it. It was at this point a post arose about how someone really felt about our wedding day. As well as those family and friends commenting on that. They obviously worried about it later on as it was deleted, however not soon enough and not only did we see it, it was saved. And before you ask…. No it has not been discussed, it was just ignored and not acknowledged. I have hidden names, pictures and any foul language also from these saved shots.

Personally, on seeing this, I got a little upset. Deep down I knew why they were not there, (whether truth or not) it was not me that prevented an invite, in someway I could have gone against my partners wishes, however that would have resulted in no wedding. Looking back now, I would have avoided a lot of problems, however you can only do what you feel is right at the time. But not only did it stop there, family and friends, some of whom I had met also felt the need to add comments onto this online post. Again, pictures, names and foul language have been hidden.

Many of these people carried on chatting as normal too once they were back into my partners life. I personally do not understand how some people can be so different, I guess the word is two faced, however this could be wrong. I wonder what they are all saying now? I also wonder if they know the truth?

Being Scared to talk about abuse

When things got to a certain point in my marriage, they started getting even tougher. Nobody warned me that leaving and choosing my life would be the first step. I thought healing and getting over a break up would be the second hurdle. What I was not prepared for, was speaking up and telling my story and that completely backfiring on me.

I was petrified,but tried to stay as civil as I could, still walking on eggshells, until I got my belongings and legal matters where complete, then I could simply draw a line and move on. I was not expecting things to go downhill from there either.

I thought I would be believed. Who lies about domestic abuse? Apparently more people than you would think! For some reason, there are quite a few people out there, who think I am lying and causing problems. When I can say with my hand on my heart, that I am telling the truth.

I am (or was) always a creative person and have chosen to direct that creativity into exploring what has really happened to me. But that seems to have also backfired on me.

Now I am scared to be open again.

I am scared to tell my story.

I am worried about mutual friends because someone has been causing trouble and showing what I post to my abuser.

Despite knowing I have proof for the things I say, that they did happen and that Domestic Abuse, especially emotional abuse and gaslighting, are not talked about enough. I feel ashamed of my story and fearful of trying to be open and help others, because of the people that say it is lies and slander.

Leaving a relationship is challenging, especially so if that relationship involved a bad ending or abuse. But when people you have known, been related to through marriage, worked with or even complete strangers are being led to believe lies and that my truth is a lie, just to get some sort of revenge – that hurts.

My revenge is living. I did not end my own life.

I SURVIVED AND I LEFT FOR MY SAFETY AND I CHOSE MY LIFE.

“I never said that!!” – What is Gaslighting?

Have you ever heard?

  • “I never said that”
  • “You’re imagining things”
  • “I didn’t do that”
  • “You are being paranoid”
  • “I always make an effort, you just never bother”
  • “You’re imagining things”
  • “I was just joking”
  • “You twist things”
  • “That never happened”
  • “You need help”

Sounding familiar?

Gaslighting is a term that seems to appear quite often now, compared to 5 years ago. It is a term that basically means a person is being made to question their own sanity and the world they are living in. It can be described as “walking on eggshells.” Gaslighting can cause a person to completely lose trust, not only in others around them, whether strangers or not, but in themselves.

In my case I truly realised I was being gaslit towards the end of my marriage (especially after I left-Everything sort of clicked). Once I knew my wife was interested in someone else. Despite me having clear evidence of the behaviour it was denied, I was told I was overreacting, twisting words and imagining things. Long story short, I was not, what I had heard and found was indeed true. However it often is the case that until a relationship is struggling, or ending/ended you really do not realise how manipulated you truly were.

Once I had left my home, so much started to make sense, I really started to come to the realisation that pretty much the whole time I knew this person, it was one big fake lie.

Many people who are being gaslit may not even realise it themselves. Which can cause problems if others question the situation they are in, simply because it will be denied. It may be “normal” to them.

The best thing to do is support them the best you can. One day they will be grateful for that support. They will need that safe person – that believes their truth.

Accusations

Accusations

As a lot of us do, I head over to Google in order to check that my understanding of the word ‘accusations’ is correct. It is defined by a quick search as – what I thought it was. Which is;

I am not one to openly throw around accusations, there is one thing I questioned recently, I won’t go into it, but basically I was approached and told something and when I questioned it, the dates didn’t add up 100%, so it was left like that. However I did state at the time of questioning that I was waiting for further information to back that information up.

Today I was told I had made “many accusations” against someone. Now technically, I have made claims, but NONE of these are lies. I have been an anxious and scared mess for far too long and I refuse to hide any more. I cannot live in a heightened state of fear forever. I cannot. I refuse to.

Not my Image.

This is a short and sweet post, really to vent some feelings, following a day that started with some production, getting some important financial things for the divorce set in place. Before moving on to going through old photos, many of them I had not seen before, with my Mam and sister. Cooking homemade meatballs and sauce and eating at the dinner table with my Mam, sister and brother, before ending the so far so good day with some messages putting me in a rather negative mindset (again).

I’m not playing anybody’s games anymore. The Whatsapp ‘BLOCK’ button has now been used. I cannot take this negativity anymore. All I was trying to do was get things moving and organise things, apparently it isn’t the most important thing to do now – despite my ex planning on ‘kicking me out’ two months before me filing for divorce. But apparently I am the one rushing things.

I just want this all over. I want to be free and out of someone else’s control.

I want to feel safe.

One step closer to finding me again.

Please note that any advice I give and explaining of processes may differ for you. I am not a legal professional and this advice relates to my situation. Please get legal advice if you need further support.

February 12th, 2021.

Having been made aware that the acknowledgement of the Divorce petition had finally been sent in, naturally I have been checking the online system daily for an update. I wasn’t expecting a quick update as it had been sent in via post, rather than submitted online. However;

After 58 days there is a response.

Things feel a bit more real now.

I was hoping this bit would have happened before Christmas. When that didn’t happen, the next date I was hoping for was by my Birthday on the 4th of February, however it didn’t happen by then either. Compared to some people I count myself lucky, many people are forced to wait not days or weeks, but months and even years to get to this stage.

I am not out to gain everything and take everything as some have been told. I want all this to be done as fairly as possible and as quickly as possible. For one simple reason. To move on.

Whilst I was not (as the phrase says) “beaten black and blue.” I have gone through an emotional hell for some time. I told a friend today I felt guilty because my pain wasn’t visible. But she explained that emotional abuse is still abuse and can be just as damaging to the mind. Part of me still feels guilt as there are others worse off than me, including people still stuck in a place they cannot leave, whilst I am more free than they am (despite still being trapped in other ways).

I have been warned that it can be harder to leave and divorce, than to be married. So I have been bearing that in mind, so far the advice has been pretty relevant. Although I do still note I am luckier than many others, but things haven’t moved very smoothly so far.

One thing I have experienced-Which I am sharing to raise some awareness to those going through a similar situation and one thing I also warn you of.

Prepare for the telling of lies so YOU look like the bad one. (No matter how nice they seem).

Also be prepared for people to come forward with behaviours, things said or seen. Don’t be angry at them, they had their reasons for not coming forward. Usually it is because they were made to believe you were the problem.

This week I came to our jointly owned home. To sort through things, work and cat sit. I would like to point out that this week, my wife was not at the property, so I felt safer. Part of me was anxious and scared that she could come back any time, however due to other events, I was reassured that this was unlikely to happen. I planned to sort out so much more than I have, however when looking at the piles of boxes and thinking, I had to go through every single item in every single box, as they had just been put in my room without being gone through. So even though only two bedrooms are done (apart from one bedside table unit) it was actually more work than it looks. Although this does mean I will have to sort other times to come and sort things. Whilst also finding cheap van rentals and storage- I can keep some items and boxes where I am, certain larger items such as my piano needs storage.

Now for the next stage….Getting a Decree Nisi.

The next stage to divorce is applying for a Decree Nisi. Still meaning I am married, but once this is issued the 6 week and 1 day countdown to applying for the final Decree Absolute can start-which means we would then be divorced. Whilst applying for the Decree Nisi it needs to be decided whether a hearing needs to be done in court. I have been told, as well as reading online that in the UK the majority of cases don’t need a hearing, but I will just have to wait and see. The date that the 6 weeks and 1 day until a Decree Absolute can be applied for will be on the Decree Nisi documentation.

During tough relationships you need to make sure you are safe. Despite what may be said, by leaving an abusive relationship (emotional or physical abuse) you should not lose the right to your home. The home can be looked at by legal professionals, it matters that you are safe.

As previously explained, the reason I am sharing my experiences is to raise awareness, offer advice and a real life account of divorce and things that come along during a divorce. The purpose of my accounts are not to lie, share false information or make me look like a good person as there are two people in a marriage. I am being honest. Writing also helps me feel like I can support others that may see this and be in a similar situation, as well as help me process things in my own way.